Poochles in 2008

Hams, 1950s. Hams, 1590s.

2008-02-18T22:21:00.003-04:00

There's been a lot of campaigning going on recently, so we haven't been around to answer letters much. We have one from our comment bar:

Hey Sebastian! I'm Jenny Fischer from Reno, Nevada. What's the deal with this "Poochles Casane" nickname?

I don't know. That's Mister Sir's deal. Ask him

Mister Sir answers: It comes from a secondary character in Christopher Marlowe's plays Tamburlaine the Great and Tamburlaine the Great Part II. Tamburlaine begins the play as a shepherd and bandit in Scythia, and sets out to rule the world, helped out by his underling friends, Techelles and Usum-Casane. (Elizabethans were, in some ways, very simple people and the surest way to prove a character was from a far-away, exotic place was to give a ridiculous name, especially in the bombastic, heroic style of drama that Marlowe pretty much single-handedly created and which lasted well past the Restoration.)

Poochles has roughly 60 nicknames, most of which he's ashamed of, and mostly formed by association with whatever text I'm reading at the moment. Other Marlovian names include Mephipoocheles, Fido, Queen of Carthage, and The Troublesome Reign and Lamentable Stink of Poochles II, King Of England with the Rise and Fall of Proud Daisy Dawg.

Our other question came to us via email:

Poochles: are you nothin' but a hound-dog? Conner Maise Newark, NJ.

In Basset society, there is only one hound that receives that title. His name is Sherman, and when Elvis Presley appeared on the Steve Allen Show, Steve made Elvis (in white tie) sing to
Sherman.

Sherman, who was reasonably pissed off because they tied a little top hat to his head, and who preferred show tunes anyway, was not impressed. I haven't been able to find video footage replicable here, but on tape, you can see Sherman repeatedly turn his head away from Elvis, and Elvis wrench his head back around. If that we me, it would have been Prime Time Bite Time with Sebastian K. Poochles.

So no, Connor, I am not nothin' but a hound dog.

Hams of Classic Rock and Roll to you,
Sebastian K Poochles

Monday Mailbag, Part 2

2008-02-04T16:29:00.000-04:00

Actually, we look more similar than I thought. And it turns out that the original Porthos, named Prada, was a male dog.

Our next question was a bit of a mess. It's from "Nest" and reads:

Q: ALiens? are you like Kushinish, dude and beieve in teh saucer pplz? ha ha ha

A: I was referring not to extraterrestrials, but to illegal aliens. I'm going to assume by your lack of mastery in English that you're not up enough on your Latin to know that alien comes from the word for "different", and so can refer to both ETs and immigrants.

That said, I think there are hounds from different worlds. Unfortunately, due to the incomprehensible distances of space, I feel it is unlikely we will meet them within my lifetime. I don't often watch much science fiction either, because it can be hard for me to tell the difference between it and what's real. (Although Windy is a compelling reason to watch Enterprise. I understand there are characters there for the human males for much the same reason.) Mister Sir recently watched an story called "Daleks in Manhattan", and I was very concerned. I can see the Empire State Building from home, and these Daleks seemed to be using it to take over. They do not seem to have succeeded yet, but know this: I am watching, sirs. I am watching.

We hear from Laurie Doniger, from Chapel Hill, NC

Q: Hi there Mr Poochles -- My name is Laurie Doniger, and I'm from Chapel Hill, NC. I see lots of Indie musician friends on your MySpace page, but I see elsewhere you like jazz. What do you really like?! Also: do you give kisses? I want one!

A: Currently, I've been listening to a lot of Rose Melberg and the Decemberists. My musical taste is pretty catholic, and I embrace many traditions. Alas, my lips are not made for smooching, per se, and I am hesitant to lick people to excess. Bassets have a lot of drool, and most people don't appreciate a puss-full of slobber. I am always up for a good belly-rub, though!

And lastly, from Andy Guitner, Kansas City, MO:

Q: Hey Pooch-man! I see that your campaign manager is called "Mister Sir." Is he like the guy Jon Voigt played in the movie Holes? And do you have a campaign slogan yet? I was thinking maybe you could use "I'm a Poochles Person". It seemed nifty to me. And I'm still waiting on one of those "Poochles is My President" t-shirts!

A: Mister Sir is real first off, and as much not Jon Voight-y as possible, though I am not familiar with the specifics of the character of which you speak.

And I very much like your suggestion for slogan. We will review here at PooCH and get back to you, offering you full restitution should it be used.

The Liberty of a salty ham to you all,
Sebastian K Poochles

Mailbags, ahoy, Sirs

2008-02-04T16:14:00.000-04:00

Questions have been pouring in here at Poochles Campaign Headquarters. Let's dive into some.

We hear from Randy Avernam of Los Angeles, CA:

Q: Hi Poochles! My name is Randy Avernam from LA. I'm a big Star Trek fan, and I noticed you look a little like Porthos from Enterprise. Are you related? Even if you're not, I'm totally voting for you in Nov.

A: Well, sir, the thing that pops most into my mind is this: Porthos isn't actually a male dog. All three versions of him were played by lady dogs (Breezy and Windy). Apparently, it's rude to see dog unmentionables on screen, so they always use females. Which means I am a-okay for your TV viewing pleasure. Secondly, Porthos is a beagle, not a basset hound.

So, no, Porthos is not related to me. Although she is pretty foxy. Although maybe fox-houndy is a better term.

Aliens. I Talk About Them, Sirs.

2008-01-30T16:40:00.000-04:00

Last time, I left off about to discussion immigration. Of course, I had to trot down to Florida and do some campaigning -- and I'm gearing up for Super Tuesday. Does that make me a Super Hound? Or is that part of the noosphere taken up by Underdog?

Anyway, to questions. I'll start with a few simple ones. The most intriguing:

Lance Fedderreich of Orangeberg, SC writes in:

Q: Poochles, man, you haven't answered the question on the minds of so many: Pirates or Ninjas, dude?

A: Pfft. It is well known, "dude", that Pirates rock. Thanks to my excellent growl, I can "rrrrrrr" with the best of them. But that could also be down to genetics.
One of my more illustrious ancestors was Stede "Gentleman" Basset, the well-known Basset pirate. He would board ships all up and down the Spanish Main and the Coast of the Carolinas, Georgia and Virginia, bow politely and say "Sirs, Lady-Sirs, your valuables, your hams. There's no use in reacting with violence to poor fortune." He would then abscond with the plate, coin and jewelry of those aboard, give the ladies a smooch and a turn about the deck and return to his ship, The Black Peascod. Unlike most pirates, he lived to ripe old age, since when he removed his pirate hat, clothes and eyepatch, we was indistinguishable from a dog.

Allan Rego of Charlottesville, VA asks:

Q: Who do you want to win the Superbowl?

A: I do not follow sport, sir, so let's say: The Brooklyn Dodgers.

Cyrus MacDoodle of MacDoodlesville, Alberta says:

Q: I hate Mexicans. Will you keep 'em outta my property?

A: Uhhh. You're Canadian. I can't much help. However, since you bring up immigration:

Let me first say I'm a big supporter of legal immigration and the efforts of what used to be the INS -- and continues to operate under the titles of USCIS and CBP. But we do have illegal immigration problems.
I don't want to point to many fingers, but we do need to look closely at the business community. Most immigrants come here to make money. This isn't debatable. If all businesses ran completely according to law, there would be no jobs and consequently no money for people here without correct authorization. So the first order of business is to properly fund and man the above services to make sure they run at complete efficiency. In fact, this can be a self-fuelling process: if more fines are established and collected, they can be used to further fund the service.

Secondly, we need to be realistic about what jobs are getting done by the workers. Despite the fear-mongering claims of the Republicans, it is not the jobs of the middle class that are threatened. The jobs occupied are the lowest rungs of regulated (and un-regulated) labor. Consequently, these are often the most important jobs. An enlightened Guest Worker policy as advocated by Mr Bush Jr would seem to be ideal, and indeed, would work best under an invigorated USCIS. It may mean marginally larger costs for some consumers in the short term, but the ethical and fair treatment of all workers, I feel, will be worth it.

Hams and chorizo to you,
Sebastian K Poochles

Canis Vehemens, Sirs

2008-01-22T17:15:00.000-04:00

I had planned on today being a nice, quiet day. I found a nice picture of a basset hound with some pigs, and was wondering if the Lolrus would be a good cabinet member for me. Mister Sir had even stopped using my MySpace account to look up attractive or amusing people and was concentrating on finding me dog supporters.

But then somebody emailed me with a question about the current House Resolution 888. You can read it here.

This is terrible! This makes me put on my most serious face.

Apparently, the slew of Southern co-sponsors for this bill are not aware of the Constitution and how it separates church and state. Furthermore, it's clearly a pro-Christian piece a legislation masquerading (in a suitably hokey, "aw shucks" way) as one for all religion, and it seems to do nothing but congratulate Christians for being Christian and not dirty heathens. Which suggests people who aren't Christian aren't Americans.
Pschaw to that, sirs.

If I may speak as a political pundit for a moment, it strikes me that this is nothing less than attempt to re-write our history in specifically Christian terms. Which is non-sense. To make such an allegation requires either total ignorance of the period, and the intentions and actions of the patriots who founded our country, or a willingness to lie and cover-up that history.

I say this to you, sponsors of this bill: a vote in favor of HR 888 is an admission that you are unfit for the job you hold.

Sebastian K Poochles has no specific religious leanings, and believes religion and politics each to be strong for the other's absence in its affairs. When I am president, I shall personally take to task the House of Representatives for such frivolous activities.

Hams of Enlightenment Thought to you,
Sebastian K. Poochles

Some Fun, Sirs

2008-01-22T13:06:00.000-04:00

I work hard during the day, but sometimes people send me amusing things. This is one of them, from the fine people at I Has a Hotdog.com:

moar cute puppy pictures

Please, laugh and return to work.

Hams on the hoof to you,

Sebastian K Poochles

More Feedback

2008-01-18T00:32:00.001-04:00

Today, Mister Sir and I logged on to MySpace.com to "generate more excitement for the movement". At least that was what Mister Sir said. I made contact with several interesting new dogs, many of which were my fellow Bassets. To these I say, Welcome, Sirs! Your support is appreciated. You will be known as the Shapers of History.

Over the past few days (probably in consonance with our online blitzes) we've received many questions. Several, we were delighted to see, were legitimate political questions. We'll come to those in due time, but we started out with a topical inquiry.

Miss Susannah Tinks, age 8, of Rural Hall, NC writes in [with a few editorial clarifications]

I love you, Poochles! You are sooooo [we're skipping some o's here] cute! I like your ears. They look floppy [We think. It might also be a word completely unsuitable for eight-year-olds, but we'll give her the benefit of the doubt.] Today was a Snow Day at our school. Do you like snow?
What do you do when it snows? Do you play outside like I do?

Answer: Well, Sir, I enjoy snow. However -- and I'm not sure if I can describe this in age-appropriate terms -- as a Little Dog, snow presents certain problems for me. Needless to say, I get cold pretty quickly if the snow is more than an inch or two high.

That said, yes, I do play in the snow when I can. I like to jump in it, especially since it can make walking hard if it's too deep. I also like to nose through it, where I run with my nose lowered. I enjoy eating snow, too. It also holds scents well, so I can track the Bunny even better on snow.

Mr Lester Jones, Kansas City, Kansas writes in with a chestnut:

Dogs can't talk. Or type. Explain yourself.

Answer: I can't say as I like your tone, sir. I must insist upon cordiality.

Let me put it like this: do you remember learning to to talk? I don't, and Mister Sir assures me this is normal. Typing is, of course, more difficult, but I have surprising limber paws.

Ms. Emma Breasdale of Williamsburg, Brookyn, NY asks:

I looked at your MySpace profile and it seems like there's a lot of musicians. What's up with that? Are you some kind of Clinton-esque musician poser? I mean, aren't musicians a little scummy?

Answer: Both Mister Sir and I feel like a campaign song is a very useful tool. We've solicited bands because we think they might be interested. Also, musicians aren't scummy. Sometimes they have to sleep in vans on tours, and vans don't have en suite showers, so you might have to forgive them if they "offend", like in 1940s soap ads.

[Mister Sir, hush. No one wants to hear about the time you met Rufus Wainwri... Gross! That *is* scummy. ]

Mister Sir and I are also supportive of Independent Labels that choose not to hamper creativity of the musicians or exploit them, and the bands that work within that purview. We also reckon they work cheaper than Springsteen, and Bowie still kind of freaks me out.

We get a similar question from Purvis Longman of Concord, NH:

You got a lot a foreigners as friends on the Facebook. What do you need foreigners for?

Answer: Well, better to have foreigners as friends than to have Foreigner as a friend. Am I right?
No? Not even after the musicians questions? Fine.

You know, some people call the President "the Leader of the Free World". I'm not sure how accurate that is any more, but the US is still a world superpower, and with our increasingly global economy, he (or she) needs to be in contact with people all around the world. Unfortunately, the current administration is happy to tread on the toes of others -- and that's not decent. When we alienate France -- our first ally, and the birthplace of the world's bassets -- we have done something seriously wrong.
Also, don't forget the Constitution defines the chief executive as the chief ambassador of the United States.
My friends in Australia, New Zealand, Scotland, England and Canada help keep me in touch with the world at large.

Well, my time for today is up. Tomorrow, we'll discuss immigration.

Hams baked with honey to you,

Sebastian K. Poochles

A Special Hello

2008-01-15T23:16:00.000-04:00

To our new friend, Wester Dictionarydog over at Facebook. He sent us a lovely message in dog the other day: "Woof" it said. Sometimes Dog is very concise.

Here at Campaign Central, we're still mulling over the whole vice-president situation. We would appreciate any insight you have.

Also, we thought we'd mention the press reaction to Ms Clinton's victory in New Hampshire. They all feel it was very much to do with her recent show of tears and emotion. I'd like to take this opportunity remind everyone I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. My tail is an excellent indicator of my mood, and after several tens of thousands of years, dogs faces have come to communicate human expression as well. We smile for instance, and you can see me do that in the previously-posted picture above. I can also "do" foam-flying joy (in cars, typically), sheepish, guilty, angry, and as basset, I specialize in solemn, sad, and (as is often the case with Mister Sir) "My dignity, sir, you abuse it."

So remember, if you like genuine emotion, remember -- Poochles is the real thing. And not Coke, whatever they tell you.

Ham in the form of a tasty Ham Biscuit to you,
Sebastian K. Poochles

The Other Option

2008-01-13T22:10:00.001-04:00

Here we have Jackson Ferlin-Husky. I met Jackson during my recent campaigning in the Pacific Northwest. Although his family is originally from further North (somewhere in the Alaskan interior, I believe, but I am not certain of any specific location), Jackson has spent most of his adult life in Seattle.

He first approached me as I was looking up at the Space Needle. "Mr Poochles? It *is* Sebastian K. Poochles?" He had all manner of ideas to Improve the Environment and we discussed this for some time. I gave him reasonable assurances that they would be included in my platform.

Since that time, he has remained in close contact with me, always offering his support. He has become very familiar with AB policy, and seems a most zealous supporter.

Jackson went to the University of Washington and majored in Forestry and Environmental Science. After he graduated, he worked co-ordinating several grassroots political organizations. He enjoys water sports.

He wishes very much for people to know he is not a hippy. I have personally seen evidence of his regular bathing, and have never smelled patchouli on his person.

May your hams lead you to virtue,

Sebastian K Poochles

Some thoughts...

2008-01-12T21:17:00.000-04:00

With the South Carolina primary fast approaching, I've been giving serious thought to my choice of Vice Presidential co-runner. My first thought was to approach my close ex-associate Ms Daisy
Basset. But then I remember she likes to bite my butt. While I'm sure this pleases her, it does not send the message of solid union I wish to inspire. Also, she's kind of old. I think a younger dog is what's needed, to connect with the Youth of Today, with their iPods and texting and such. After much searching, I've narrowed it down to two promising youngsters.

I'll introduce the first today. This is Pupward J. Puppington, known to his close associates (such as myself) as Pups. He is a yellow Labrador Retriever from just south of Birmingham, Al. He's done some remarkable work for the Anti-Bunny Party in the South.

We met a few months ago through Sir Bassetly Stinkerton (MRCSH), whom you may recall as a leading light of the Tripartite Basset Commission. "Poochles," he said, looking over his little half-moon glasses and tamping his pipe, "Get to know Pups. He's going places. Places like you."

So I made it my business to learn as much as I could. He went through the public schools in his home town. He ran the Young Anti-Bunny Club at Princeton, where he majored in Political Science and Fetch. He graduated Magna Cum Cane and was soon elected to as a Representative from Alabama. He was later voted their junior Senator. He also has a reputation as a Lady's Retriever, but I cannot substantiate this. He says he is still looking for the Right Dog.

So there you have him, Mr "Pups" Puppington. Please, inquire if you have further questions on his CV.

Tomorrow, we will introduce Jackson Ferlin-Husky.

I'm Back, Sirs.

2008-01-10T00:09:00.000-04:00

Hello there, sirs and lady-sirs. How are you?

Me? I'm doing better than ever. I just woke up from an extended nap. You see, I was talking to Mister Sir sometime ago. He told me presidential candidates can never rest. I thought that was terrible. I decided to do some hibernating, so I could save up my energy and be a rip-roaring Campaigning Machine.

But it turned out Mister Sir was kind of slack. Each time he tried to wake me up, I growled. And that made him run away like a big pansy. Just because I took a big hunk out his face on two separate instances, I suppose.
So maybe that's understandable. But that's why I missed out on the Iowa and New Hampshire caucuses. Cauci? Caucoi? Caucophim?

Oh. It is Caucuses. That's kind of boring. Maybe it should be Caucux? No? Well fine.

So now I'm back. And it's about time.

[Mister Sir says that that was Doctor Who, a decade ago.]

So now I'm back. And it's about ham.

[Mister Sir now says I should focus on my goals.]

So now I'm back. And it's about you.

Yes, you, and how much better your life will be with me as your president. Now, in the past few months, we've gotten lots of questions from all over the world. We'll be addressing those tomorrow and over the next few days. Feel free, of course, to send in any questions you might have. and we'll try to answer them.

May your Hams Be Festively Plump!

--Sebastian K. Poochles

A New Web-Thing

2007-07-15T14:59:00.001-04:00

Mister Sir keeps telling me I need to be more web-active -- hence my facebook entry.
I also decided to use this neat map-thingy deal. Since we get visitors from all over the world, I thought it'd be nice to visually track that.
Please click on the link to your right and leave a pin in the place where you live. You can also leave a friendly message.

In other news, I sent a email letter to the fine folks at The Chap looking for support. I think even the quickest perusal of the site will show why I'm in such support of their efforts.

Hams and scones to you.

Networking, Sirs

2007-07-12T21:28:00.000-04:00

Today I was convinced to join Facebook by Mister Sir.

Help Get Things Moving and become my friend:

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=761071583 .

I await the cascade of friends!

It uses any image. It is the will you whom it orders.

2007-07-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

Our new friend Rodrigo left this comment for us yesterday.
I think it's Portuguese. Mister Sir and Other Sir stared at it for a few minutes and declared it so (between them they speak Latin, Spanish and French) and tried to piece it together for me. Then they got bored and I had to go to babelfish.com on my own.

This is the message:
"Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Se você quiser linkar meu blog no seu eu ficaria agradecido, até mais e sucesso. (If you speak English can see the version in English of the Camiseta Personalizada. If he will be possible add my blog in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend)."

And this is the computer generated translation:
"Oi, I found yours blog for google tá well interesting I liked this post. When to give gives passed for mine blog, is on personalized t-shirts, shows step by step as to create a well personalized t-shirt way. If you I to want to linkar mine blog in its I would be been thankful, until more and success. (If you speak English can see the version in English of the Personalized T-shirt. If he will be possible add my blog in your blogroll I thankful, bye friend)."

So our friend is hawking personalized t-shirts from Brazil. That's cool.
Who wouldn't want a t-shirt with me on it saying "Poochles is My President."
You know you want one, Sirs.

Love and Hams to you.

I Made a Mistake, Sirs

2007-07-08T16:13:00.000-04:00

Friday night I bit Mister Sir.
I bit him right on the face.

He had to go to the Emergency Vet Room and had to wait eight hours to see a Vet. Right now, his face is too swollen to yell at me properly and he's kind of loopy on codeine.

But I take a hard line on defense. And the best defense is a strong offense.
My teeths is sharp.

Hams to you each morning.

My Return, Sirs

2007-07-01T20:19:00.000-04:00

Good evening, sirs.

As you may remember, I was ill. I had a dose of the colitis. I had to eat special food and rest a great deal. I looked like this lower picture.

Now, I feel better and poo strong.
I look like the higher picture, which is what hale and hearty bassets look like when they smile.

The number one thing people ask me when I tell them I am running to be their president is "I didn't think dogs could hold office. Can they?"

I tell them -- and I tell you -- they can.
Let's talk about Junior, the dog mayor of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky.
http://www.rabbithashusa.com/notions.php

Or Devlin, the dog mayor of Abilene, Texas"
http://www.austincelts.org/festival2006/animals.htm

And have these towns suffered? No.
Have they prospered? Yes.

I believed this is called precedent. A precedent of success for the USA.

Juicy Hams to You,
Sebastian K. Poochles

Hallo!

2007-06-17T14:22:00.001-04:00

During my recovery, sirs, I have been investigating the people who have been visiting my site.
I've had people from Denmark, China, Japan, Mongolia, Greece and the UAE.

I thought I'd say a little something to them all in their native tongues.
(Please do not be offended if the computer translation says ridiculous things.)

To the Danes:
Hallo! Jeg er Sebastian K. Poochles. Velkommen hen til mig website. Behage afgøre jeres bekendte i Danmark omkring mig! Hams hen til jer , hr.

To the Greeks:
γειά εγώ είμαι Sebastian K. Poochles. καλώs ήρθατε σε my website. παρακαλώ λέω δικό σου φίλοι μέσα Ελλάδα όλος για εμένα. Hams σε you , κέριε.

To the Arabs:
مرحبا! أنا [سبستين] [ك.]. [بووكس]. ترحيب إلى موقعتي. رجاء قلت كلّك صديقات في ال [أو] جميعا حول ي.
[نوت-همس] إلى أنت.

Sorry other languages: my computer isn't good at Asian languages.

Hams to you, sirs.

The Tummy, Sirs, The Tummy.

2007-06-14T14:17:00.000-04:00

Since my return from the Tri-Partite Basset Commission, I have been ill, sirs.
Today, I have had multiple accidents and passed some blood.
My colitis may have returned.

I plan to recuperate for a bit, and to cling around the legs of the nearest Sir.
A new update will appear soo---

Dashing to poo, sirs.

Later, Sirs.

2007-05-31T13:05:00.000-04:00

I must abjectly apologize for not posting lately.

I have been very busily preparing for the Tripartite Basset Commission -- charts, speeches and such.
As you may know, I will be delivering the keynote address (On Basset Noses: The Twenty-First Century and Beyond!). This has been very carefully crafted; I am proud of it. Perhaps I will do an audio post of it when I return.

I have also found out that there is a "Monkey Hill" near where I will be staying. I can only assume that there are plentiful monkeys running around there -- I intend to catch and eat one. I have never eaten monkey before. I think it may taste like sir-flesh.

I will also be attending the grave of Alfred the Puma.
Alfred the Puma lived at the Brandywine Zoo; when he died they kept his area empty with a sign that said "Alfred the Puma is dead." I thought this was sad. And creepy.
I want to dignify Alfred's tomb and honor his life. Maybe I will also pee a little on his tomb.

(I also hear there are otters at the Zoo. They're probably also tasty.)

So, in conclusion, I will be gone for a few weeks. When I come back, I will be a positive fountain of policy -- I intend to use the Tripartite Basset Commission to fully polish and formulate my views on economics, foreign and domestic relations.

Hams, juicy Hams to you and yours, Sirs.

Sirs: A Campaign Song?

2007-05-24T13:41:00.001-04:00

I was talking to Mister Sir today when the conversation turned to music. In a Flash*, I realized that I needed a campaign song. Quickly.

I discussed the options with Mister Sir and I decided that the song "I Need All the Friends I Can Get" by the group Camera Obscura would be ideal. I immediately sent them an email asking their permission:

Dear Sirs and Lady-Sirs of Camera Obscura:

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sebastian K. Poochles. I am a basset hound. I have included a picture of me so you can see what I look like.**

I am writing to you for this reason: I am running for president of the United States in 2008. To do this, I need a catchy campaign song. I wanted to see if you would mind if I used your song
"I Need All The Friends I Can Get" from your album Let's Get Out of This Country. I think it's a fine song and very much the sort of message a dog running for president needs to send out.
I would also like to add that I have been a fan of yours all my life.

Please visit my website at www.poochles2008.blogspot.com and you can see my campaign blog and listen to me speak.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Wishing you hams,

Sebastian K. Poochles.

I await their response.

Good Hams to you.

*Basset hounds always capitalize this phrase in honor of one of the most famous Basset hounds, Flash from The Dukes of Hazzard.

**The picture sent was the one to the left, of me in the park.

Hear Me, Sirs

2007-05-23T22:23:00.001-04:00

I thought that I should use some exciting new technology.

Please listen to me as I talk, sirs. It is like telephoning, but over the Internet.

Gabcast! Poochles 2008 #1

Success, Sirs, Success!

2007-05-18T18:03:00.000-04:00

Congratulations To You, Sirs.

This website, Poochles2008.blogspot.com, is now the NUMBER ONE GOOGLE RESPONSE for the word "Poochles"!

This is a great moment, sirs and lady-sirs.

I can only thank you.
And politely ask you to Look To The Future!

Hams to You and Your Loved Ones.

Sirs: More Exciting Comments

2007-05-18T17:32:00.000-04:00

Rocky's family is very computer-literate and very pro-Basset. We can only praise this.

His aunt writes:

The Honorable Sebastian,
First of all, I have enjoyed following you on your campaign trail. I respect and admire all of your opinions and you have my vote - "you da dog"! I know you are busy but I would be honored if you would give me your opinion on this important issue - "Do you think Sanjaya Malakur should have gotten the boot?" Hoping you will find time from your busy schedule to express your opinion.
Respectfully,
Rocky's aunt

I'm not going to lie here. I'm not very sure who this Sanjaya is.

I am a very savvy news-watcher and I did see several pieces on the local Newscast -- CBS 2 -- concerning him. Mister Sir is a faithful viewer of The People's Court -- he's even been in the studio audience -- and the WCBS 2 Five O'clock News comes on immediately after. For several weeks, he featured on this newscast. But I will find out more about him.

Later -- I looked up Mr Malakar on the Wikipedia.
You see, I am not allowed to pick what is shown on the TV. Also, Mister Sir moans painfully when American Idol is on and claims his soul is being stolen. So I was not able to come up with much of an opinion before my Wikipedia dive.
But Mr Malakar seems like a nice guy. He has nice fur for a human. Also, he sang two Irving Berlin songs which I can only support. I can only conclude he was unfairly removed from the American Idol proceedings.
But he sort of, kind of, looks a like a rent boy.
(Mister Sir made me say that. I'm not sure what a rent boy is or what they look like, but Mister Sir is offering me a treat. I will say anything he wants for that treat.)

Hams to You and Your Esteemed TV Programs.

Later Later. -- Oh dear. Wikipedia will teach you a whole bunch.

Felicitations, Sirs.

2007-05-16T14:49:00.000-04:00

I would like to thank all of you who sent kind words, gifts, flowers and hams yesterday.

Many of you will know that yesterday was May 15th, or as it is known in my homestead, Poochlesmas. It was my birthday.

I was served my favorite meal, split pea and ham soup with a little kibble. I was given some filet mignon treats. My belly was rubbed. I rounded out the evening with Mister Sir sipping bourbon and smoking a fine cigar.

In political news, today I received an invitation to the Tripartite Basset Commission. This is a great basset honor -- I am going to Wilmington, Delaware in a few weeks to meet with the basset ambassadors from England and France (Sir Bassetly Stinkerton, MRCSH* and L'Abbe du St Hubert) to chart out the plan for up-coming Basset Actions. I hope to gain the official backing of the TBC for my run for the presidency.

I shall return tomorrow with more questions and answers.

Hams to you and your loved ones.

*MRCSH means Member, Royal College of Scent Hounds

Sirs: More Reader Reactions

2007-05-09T22:53:00.000-04:00

Greetings, sirs.
I see that our friend and fine, up-standing lady-sir Ms Night has left us another comment:

Dear Future President Sebastian,
I just read your latest article. The photo of you in the hat made me think of Gene Kelly! You look fantastic.

Regarding your accidents on the floor...not to worry. I have an Uncle who does that.

When I read about the 4% statistic I jumped with joy. I knew you were smarter, there was never a doubt in my mind.

Regarding your campaign promises, I will hold you to your word on changing the laws about dogs in hotels. That is a serious issue for certain and it should not fall into the cracks and disappear.

It is good to hear you are single. I just might have a cute bitch for you sometime soon. Would you have a problem with a pre-arranged marriage? Also please don't dismiss your sexually because of the "big snip". I've had 3 Labs, they all had the "snip" and they all found love and happiness with other males. Yes it's true! My dogs were all gay and I am damn proud of them. Think about it my friend!

Question: I was wondering...since you are cared for, do you not feel that in actuality you are the one in charge. Afterall, they are feeding you, grooming you, housing you and cleaning your poop. It would appear that you are the "Master of the house".

Another Question: What is your favorite song? My Labs loved "Who let the dogs out". I was curious as to what your choice would be.

I await your next article. As always, it was a pleasure.

Well, since the Big Snip, my thoughts just aren't as centered on amory. I am purely political these days: I am like many religious figure, like priests and monks of different religions, who uses sexual drive energy in other pursuits.
Perhaps after I have become president, I will have some sex.

Also, I am not a bigot. I can love both fair and dark, as Dr Donne said. If I find a nice male dog to grow gray-muzzled with, I will. If it turns out to be a she, then so be it.
I am like Captain Jack from Doctor Who and Torchwood. I am unisex.
...But I am happy your Labs were down with the Love That Dare Not Sniff Its Butt.

So: In short, I am not look for a love match. I am currently looking for a running mate, though.

I am glad you noticed my household leadership. I am in charge at home -- for the very reasons you point out. Not only have I maintained the household, I have improved it.
Since I arrived, household income has increased. Education levels have increased. General ham (and other meat) levels have increased. So have ambient cuteness levels -- up to 150% in some cases.
If elected, I will use such skills on the country at large. Poop may never appear on sidewalks again. Hams will be plentiful for all dogs. Many humans will have M.A. degrees.

My favourite song?
My taste is very eclectic, and I would be hard pressed to choose one single favourite song. I am a big fan of Belle and Sebastian, though, and 60s piano-based jazz like Herbie Hancock and Vince Guaraldi.

Hams to you lady-sir.

In the Park, Sirs

2007-05-09T15:36:00.000-04:00

This weekend saw me campaign in Sunset Park, near my home in Brooklyn. It is a lovely place, with views of the Statue of Liberty and Lower Manhattan.
Rather than show that, though, I wanted a shot of me in front of the crowds, speaking.

What was I speaking about?
The Subway. I cannot ride it, nor can many good dogs in the city. And since many cabs won't take dogs, too many of my fellow canines are stuck in their home neighbourhoods.
Imagine the smells of Chinatown! Kielbasa in Park Slope! Italian Sausages and Peppers in Astoria! Ribs in the Bronx! And I assume people eat things in Staten Island, too, but am unwilling to investigate the issue.

And what really is awful is that is issue is mired in prejudice!
Little yappy dogs -- ill-begotten rat/dog hybrids like chihuahuas -- can ride in purses, but dependable useful breeds like German Shepherds, Labrador Retrievers and hounds of all stripes are denied.

My pledge to you, dogs and sirs and lady-sirs, is full access for all dogs: on the subway, on the trains, on the buses, on the ferries. In cabs.

Hams to You.
We'll see you in the Subways, Sirs.

Good Evening, Sirs.

2007-05-04T21:58:00.000-04:00

We received out first comment recently from "night."
Hello, night. How are you, sir or madam?

Here is her/his comment:

Dear Mr. Poochles,
Your article was very interesting & I especially am interested in hearing where you stand on the political issues. So far your anti-bunny mention is a thumbs up for me. It is comendable that you finished obedience class! Hurray for you my friend.
If I may be so bold as to address you as Sebastian,I think you would make a good president since I am sure you know lots more right now than the one we have. Perhaps the first order of business you can tackle would be to work on those laws governing the pet adoptions. They really are annoying. Also it would be greatly appreciated if you can do something about the hotels that do not allow pets. I am so tired of sneaking my 12lb dog thru back doors in a large duffle bag. I would gladly pay for extra fee.
I look forward to reading more on your history etc. For now I shall say goodbye & it was a pleasure writing this comment to you.

Let's address some issue raised:

I'm glad my Anti-Bunny political stance pleases you. For too long, the wibbling noses and wanton breeding of the bunnies has oppressed all right-thinking people. Generations of Poochles have chased the bunnies through tall grass and flushed them out into the open to face the consequences for their actions. I am pleased to continue that tradition.

I am also pleased to have finished obedience school. I have to admit I was not first in my class. Other breeds behave better or faster than bassets. We are a stubborn people, and while many people link that to being dim, I link it strongly with being lazy.
And sometime I still have accidents on the floor.

My close associates tell me I am nearly 4% smarter than the current president. Virtually every one tells me I am moderately better spoken and generally more stinky than him.

I myself have been sneaked into hotels that do not allow dogs. It was demeaning. I pledge to change laws about dogs in all manner of hotels. And not just for little yappy dogs like chihuahaus, but for real, big dogs like Great Danes and Alsatians.

Hams to you, night.

I would also like to use this opportunity to answer some other questions put to me privately:

Quest.: Are you single?
Ans.: Yes. I have in the past been closely linked to Daisy the Basset, but she was a crazy bitch. She kept biting my butt, so she had to go. See picture above.
I have also had a long-standing admiration of Miss Flannery, but she, alas, will have nothing to do with me.
I suppose since the Big Snip it sort of doesn't matter.

Quest.: What are your living arrangements?
Ans.: I am cared for by Mister Sir. He feeds me, picks up my poop and rubs my belly. He is satisfactory.

Comment: Mr Poochles, I am Jewish. I find it vaguely offensive to be offered hams.
Ans.: My hams are purely metaphorical. I would never offer real hams, as I would eat them. If it makes you feel better about it, think of it as a large steak or well-cured bean curd.

Hams to you and your loved ones,

Sebastian K Poochles

Greetings, Sirs.

2007-04-30T19:58:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I was lucky enough to be in Mystic, Conn., where I spent some time campaign. I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of attention I generated there. People crossed the street to come pat my head and listen to my theories of government. Many were drooled on.
The message is getting out, friends.

Now, as promised, I'll answer some questions sent to me.

1) What is your name?
Ans.: Sebastian K. Poochles. I am the latest in a long line of Poochleses. We (like all Bassets) trace our lineage to France in the 16th Century. My family came to America late in the 19th Century and worked as hunters. Later, we moved into advertising.

2) How old are you?
Ans.: I am almost six. My exact birthdate is unknown due to oddities in my adoption proceedings. I now celebrate my birthday on 15 May.

3) What is your education?
Ans.: I graduated first in my class from St. Sebastian's Prep.; a received my A.Bs. in Napping and Ham Studies from Poochles State University; I got my M.A. from Columbia.
I also finished obedience school.

4) What is your previous employment?
Ans.: I am a hound. Since school, I've spent most of my time napping.

5) Do you have any hobbies?
Ans.: I enjoy chasing my little basketball. In fact, all little balls. But I lose them under the couch.
I also enjoy chasing bunnies and reading. I like Faulkner.
Also, pooping.

6) Any favorite foods?
Ans.: I like ham. And peas. Sometimes I eat ham and peas together.

7 What is your political persuasion?
Ans.: I am strictly Anti-Bunny. I cannot stress this enough.

Hams to you and your loved ones,

Sebastian K. Poochles

Greetings, Sirs.

2007-04-25T23:12:00.000-04:00

Hello, America.
Allow me to introduce myself: I am Sebastian K. Poochles. I am a Basset Hound. I am here to formally announce my candidacy for the U. S. presidency.

I believe I can be the first Basset president.

You'll no doubt be interested to find out all about that.

You Shall. In the coming days, I shall post my personal history, policies and my reasons for running to be your president.

But now I must retire.

Hams to you and your loved ones.

Poochles in 2008

Hams, 1950s. Hams, 1590s.

Monday Mailbag, Part 2

Mailbags, ahoy, Sirs

Aliens. I Talk About Them, Sirs.

Canis Vehemens, Sirs

Some Fun, Sirs

More Feedback

A Special Hello

The Other Option

Some thoughts...

More Questions for Mr Poochles

I'm Back, Sirs.

A New Web-Thing

Networking, Sirs

It uses any image. It is the will you whom it orders.

I Made a Mistake, Sirs

My Return, Sirs

Hallo!

The Tummy, Sirs, The Tummy.

Later, Sirs.

Sirs: A Campaign Song?

Hear Me, Sirs

Success, Sirs, Success!

Sirs: More Exciting Comments

More Questions and Answers, Sirs

Felicitations, Sirs.

Sirs: More Reader Reactions

In the Park, Sirs

Good Evening, Sirs.

Greetings, Sirs.

Greetings, Sirs.