Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Aliens. I Talk About Them, Sirs.

Last time, I left off about to discussion immigration. Of course, I had to trot down to Florida and do some campaigning -- and I'm gearing up for Super Tuesday. Does that make me a Super Hound? Or is that part of the noosphere taken up by Underdog?

Anyway, to questions. I'll start with a few simple ones. The most intriguing:

Lance Fedderreich of Orangeberg, SC writes in:

Q: Poochles, man, you haven't answered the question on the minds of so many: Pirates or Ninjas, dude?

A: Pfft. It is well known, "dude", that Pirates rock. Thanks to my excellent growl, I can "rrrrrrr" with the best of them. But that could also be down to genetics.
One of my more illustrious ancestors was Stede "Gentleman" Basset, the well-known Basset pirate. He would board ships all up and down the Spanish Main and the Coast of the Carolinas, Georgia and Virginia, bow politely and say "Sirs, Lady-Sirs, your valuables, your hams. There's no use in reacting with violence to poor fortune." He would then abscond with the plate, coin and jewelry of those aboard, give the ladies a smooch and a turn about the deck and return to his ship, The Black Peascod. Unlike most pirates, he lived to ripe old age, since when he removed his pirate hat, clothes and eyepatch, we was indistinguishable from a dog.

Allan Rego of Charlottesville, VA asks:

Q: Who do you want to win the Superbowl?

A: I do not follow sport, sir, so let's say: The Brooklyn Dodgers.

Cyrus MacDoodle of MacDoodlesville, Alberta says:

Q: I hate Mexicans. Will you keep 'em outta my property?

A: Uhhh. You're Canadian. I can't much help. However, since you bring up immigration:

Let me first say I'm a big supporter of legal immigration and the efforts of what used to be the INS -- and continues to operate under the titles of USCIS and CBP. But we do have illegal immigration problems.
I don't want to point to many fingers, but we do need to look closely at the business community. Most immigrants come here to make money. This isn't debatable. If all businesses ran completely according to law, there would be no jobs and consequently no money for people here without correct authorization. So the first order of business is to properly fund and man the above services to make sure they run at complete efficiency. In fact, this can be a self-fuelling process: if more fines are established and collected, they can be used to further fund the service.

Secondly, we need to be realistic about what jobs are getting done by the workers. Despite the fear-mongering claims of the Republicans, it is not the jobs of the middle class that are threatened. The jobs occupied are the lowest rungs of regulated (and un-regulated) labor. Consequently, these are often the most important jobs. An enlightened Guest Worker policy as advocated by Mr Bush Jr would seem to be ideal, and indeed, would work best under an invigorated USCIS. It may mean marginally larger costs for some consumers in the short term, but the ethical and fair treatment of all workers, I feel, will be worth it.

Hams and chorizo to you,
Sebastian K Poochles

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Canis Vehemens, Sirs

I had planned on today being a nice, quiet day. I found a nice picture of a basset hound with some pigs, and was wondering if the Lolrus would be a good cabinet member for me. Mister Sir had even stopped using my MySpace account to look up attractive or amusing people and was concentrating on finding me dog supporters.

But then somebody emailed me with a question about the current House Resolution 888. You can read it here.

This is terrible! This makes me put on my most serious face.

Apparently, the slew of Southern co-sponsors for this bill are not aware of the Constitution and how it separates church and state. Furthermore, it's clearly a pro-Christian piece a legislation masquerading (in a suitably hokey, "aw shucks" way) as one for all religion, and it seems to do nothing but congratulate Christians for being Christian and not dirty heathens. Which suggests people who aren't Christian aren't Americans.
Pschaw to that, sirs.

If I may speak as a political pundit for a moment, it strikes me that this is nothing less than attempt to re-write our history in specifically Christian terms. Which is non-sense. To make such an allegation requires either total ignorance of the period, and the intentions and actions of the patriots who founded our country, or a willingness to lie and cover-up that history.

I say this to you, sponsors of this bill: a vote in favor of HR 888 is an admission that you are unfit for the job you hold.

Sebastian K Poochles has no specific religious leanings, and believes religion and politics each to be strong for the other's absence in its affairs. When I am president, I shall personally take to task the House of Representatives for such frivolous activities.

Hams of Enlightenment Thought to you,
Sebastian K. Poochles

Some Fun, Sirs

I work hard during the day, but sometimes people send me amusing things. This is one of them, from the fine people at I Has a

loldog, funny dog picture, pigs, hotdogs, oh hai
moar cute puppy pictures

Please, laugh and return to work.

Hams on the hoof to you,

Sebastian K Poochles

Friday, January 18, 2008

More Feedback

Today, Mister Sir and I logged on to to "generate more excitement for the movement". At least that was what Mister Sir said. I made contact with several interesting new dogs, many of which were my fellow Bassets. To these I say, Welcome, Sirs! Your support is appreciated. You will be known as the Shapers of History.

Over the past few days (probably in consonance with our online blitzes) we've received many questions. Several, we were delighted to see, were legitimate political questions. We'll come to those in due time, but we started out with a topical inquiry.

Miss Susannah Tinks, age 8, of Rural Hall, NC writes in [with a few editorial clarifications]

I love you, Poochles! You are sooooo [we're skipping some o's here] cute! I like your ears. They look floppy [We think. It might also be a word completely unsuitable for eight-year-olds, but we'll give her the benefit of the doubt.] Today was a Snow Day at our school. Do you like snow?
What do you do when it snows? Do you play outside like I do?

Answer: Well, Sir, I enjoy snow. However -- and I'm not sure if I can describe this in age-appropriate terms -- as a Little Dog, snow presents certain problems for me. Needless to say, I get cold pretty quickly if the snow is more than an inch or two high.

That said, yes, I do play in the snow when I can. I like to jump in it, especially since it can make walking hard if it's too deep. I also like to nose through it, where I run with my nose lowered. I enjoy eating snow, too. It also holds scents well, so I can track the Bunny even better on snow.

Mr Lester Jones, Kansas City, Kansas writes in with a chestnut:

Dogs can't talk. Or type. Explain yourself.

Answer: I can't say as I like your tone, sir. I must insist upon cordiality.

Let me put it like this: do you remember learning to to talk? I don't, and Mister Sir assures me this is normal. Typing is, of course, more difficult, but I have surprising limber paws.

Ms. Emma Breasdale of Williamsburg, Brookyn, NY asks:

I looked at your MySpace profile and it seems like there's a lot of musicians. What's up with that? Are you some kind of Clinton-esque musician poser? I mean, aren't musicians a little scummy?

Answer: Both Mister Sir and I feel like a campaign song is a very useful tool. We've solicited bands because we think they might be interested. Also, musicians aren't scummy. Sometimes they have to sleep in vans on tours, and vans don't have en suite showers, so you might have to forgive them if they "offend", like in 1940s soap ads.

[Mister Sir, hush. No one wants to hear about the time you met Rufus Wainwri... Gross! That *is* scummy. ]

Mister Sir and I are also supportive of Independent Labels that choose not to hamper creativity of the musicians or exploit them, and the bands that work within that purview. We also reckon they work cheaper than Springsteen, and Bowie still kind of freaks me out.

We get a similar question from Purvis Longman of Concord, NH:

You got a lot a foreigners as friends on the Facebook. What do you need foreigners for?

Answer: Well, better to have foreigners as friends than to have Foreigner as a friend. Am I right?
No? Not even after the musicians questions? Fine.

You know, some people call the President "the Leader of the Free World". I'm not sure how accurate that is any more, but the US is still a world superpower, and with our increasingly global economy, he (or she) needs to be in contact with people all around the world. Unfortunately, the current administration is happy to tread on the toes of others -- and that's not decent. When we alienate France -- our first ally, and the birthplace of the world's bassets -- we have done something seriously wrong.
Also, don't forget the Constitution defines the chief executive as the chief ambassador of the United States.
My friends in Australia, New Zealand, Scotland, England and Canada help keep me in touch with the world at large.

Well, my time for today is up. Tomorrow, we'll discuss immigration.

Hams baked with honey to you,

Sebastian K. Poochles

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

A Special Hello

To our new friend, Wester Dictionarydog over at Facebook. He sent us a lovely message in dog the other day: "Woof" it said. Sometimes Dog is very concise.

Here at Campaign Central, we're still mulling over the whole vice-president situation. We would appreciate any insight you have.

Also, we thought we'd mention the press reaction to Ms Clinton's victory in New Hampshire. They all feel it was very much to do with her recent show of tears and emotion. I'd like to take this opportunity remind everyone I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. My tail is an excellent indicator of my mood, and after several tens of thousands of years, dogs faces have come to communicate human expression as well. We smile for instance, and you can see me do that in the previously-posted picture above. I can also "do" foam-flying joy (in cars, typically), sheepish, guilty, angry, and as basset, I specialize in solemn, sad, and (as is often the case with Mister Sir) "My dignity, sir, you abuse it."

So remember, if you like genuine emotion, remember -- Poochles is the real thing. And not Coke, whatever they tell you.

Ham in the form of a tasty Ham Biscuit to you,
Sebastian K. Poochles

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Other Option

Here we have Jackson Ferlin-Husky. I met Jackson during my recent campaigning in the Pacific Northwest. Although his family is originally from further North (somewhere in the Alaskan interior, I believe, but I am not certain of any specific location), Jackson has spent most of his adult life in Seattle.

He first approached me as I was looking up at the Space Needle. "Mr Poochles? It *is* Sebastian K. Poochles?" He had all manner of ideas to Improve the Environment and we discussed this for some time. I gave him reasonable assurances that they would be included in my platform.

Since that time, he has remained in close contact with me, always offering his support. He has become very familiar with AB policy, and seems a most zealous supporter.

Jackson went to the University of Washington and majored in Forestry and Environmental Science. After he graduated, he worked co-ordinating several grassroots political organizations. He enjoys water sports.

He wishes very much for people to know he is not a hippy. I have personally seen evidence of his regular bathing, and have never smelled patchouli on his person.

May your hams lead you to virtue,

Sebastian K Poochles

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Some thoughts...

With the South Carolina primary fast approaching, I've been giving serious thought to my choice of Vice Presidential co-runner. My first thought was to approach my close ex-associate Ms Daisy
Basset. But then I remember she likes to bite my butt. While I'm sure this pleases her, it does not send the message of solid union I wish to inspire. Also, she's kind of old. I think a younger dog is what's needed, to connect with the Youth of Today, with their iPods and texting and such. After much searching, I've narrowed it down to two promising youngsters.

I'll introduce the first today. This is Pupward J. Puppington, known to his close associates (such as myself) as Pups. He is a yellow Labrador Retriever from just south of Birmingham, Al. He's done some remarkable work for the Anti-Bunny Party in the South.

We met a few months ago through Sir Bassetly Stinkerton (MRCSH), whom you may recall as a leading light of the Tripartite Basset Commission. "Poochles," he said, looking over his little half-moon glasses and tamping his pipe, "Get to know Pups. He's going places. Places like you."

So I made it my business to learn as much as I could. He went through the public schools in his home town. He ran the Young Anti-Bunny Club at Princeton, where he majored in Political Science and Fetch. He graduated Magna Cum Cane and was soon elected to as a Representative from Alabama. He was later voted their junior Senator. He also has a reputation as a Lady's Retriever, but I cannot substantiate this. He says he is still looking for the Right Dog.

So there you have him, Mr "Pups" Puppington. Please, inquire if you have further questions on his CV.

Tomorrow, we will introduce Jackson Ferlin-Husky.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

More Questions for Mr Poochles

Well, as promised, I'm answering some of the questions people have posed to me
recently. Remember, if you have questions, just leave a comment or email me at .

This was our latest question, from one Harley J. Chesterfield, of Peterborough, Mass.:

Q:Mr Poochles, I noticed that you're currently reading The Federalist Papers. Had you been an active Basset politician at that time, would you have been a Federalist or an Anti-Federalist?

A: Well, sir, I think it's a little premature for me to say right now. I haven't finished The Federalist, and I may well want to read The Anti-Federalist Papers. However, I tend to incline towards more centralized powers; I find Hamilton's reasoning that de-centralized states tend more to petty wars and Jay's argument that they are less capable to deal with faction convincing.
Also, all that small-holding farming and peaceable agrarianism of the Anti-Federalists sounds a lot like Enlightenment Hippy Talk. And we know what I think of hippies.

Mrs. Janice Dubouis of Walla Walla, Washington writes:

Q: Sebastian, who is your favorite Roloff family member?

A: I am a big fan of Little People, Big World! You see, as a Little Dog myself, I can sympathize with many of the problems Little People face, and I'm glad to see Little Dogs or Little People generating such positivity.
What I do find curious about the show is how it shies away from the family's obviously deeply-held religious beliefs. I'm no fan of teh Jesuses, but I don't think it's something to hide.
That said, I think Molly is my favorite.

....Mister Sir, hush. That one kid should not do porn, whatever you say.
Oops. Sometimes Mister Sir says things, and I have to tell him to belt up.

Mr Christopher Marley of Enid, OK asks:

Q: Do you think Oklahoma is OK?

A: I have heard nothing to despoil my high opinion of that state. Firstly, there's a swell musical called that, that I can only assume is an accurate representation of everyday life there, and that makes it seem pretty swell.
Secondly, Miss Sarah Vowell comes from there, so that's definitely a plus. I once hung around Chelsea trying to meet her (and is getting there a problem!), but somebody got mad when I peed on some flowers in the Flower Market.

Ms Bunny Lapin of Biloxi, Miss. asks:

Q: Can you describe your Anti-Bunny sentiments again?

A: Fear not, Ms Lapin, it is only the little furry rodents that bear the brunt of the ABP's anger. You see, we were first started several years ago in Australia, where the Bun Menace is at its highest. The bunnies there team so much that they eat all the food, and cause the soil to erode away. Also, the funky, dangerous things that are supposed to abound Down Under don't get enough ha... food. I understand that the accounts for even more maimings and death than usual there.
Since then, the ABP had actively pursued Bunny elimination around the world: chiefly through education, but also through extermination. Man, abstinence-based education does not work for rabbits. We also police borders so that not only bunnies but jack-rabbits and hares do not infiltrate non-bunny environments. We also advocate serving bunny at meals. To date, almost 3 and a half people are alive in China because of our Bunnies for Cheap Nikes program.

I don't know where Sebastian Fairen LeSage the first comes from, but here's the comment he left for us:

Q: Dear Mr. Sebastian...
My Lady has a very soft heart when it comes to those of our kind and she has rescued 2 of those little rat/chahuahua dogs...
At first I was devastated that she would bring them into my home, but as I watched the wretched little things, all abused and such, I found my heart melted somewhat....
I finally sniffed each ones butt in welcome and they were so overjoyed they became my "guarddogs"...Ain't that funny...
I am a big Rotweiller/Cocker Spaniel male...(Yes...I am of hybred persuasion and proud of it!)...
I weigh in at a whopping 103#...
So you can see how delicious it is for these 2 tiny sentries to hold guard while I sleep...
I highly recomend security like this to any high ranking dog of power...
Will see you at the polls...
Wishing you juicy hams and sausages...
Sebastian Fairen LeSage the first...

A: My first response is: Rotweiler/Cocker Spaniel? That's kind of funky. Your father must have been very ambitious or your mother very limber. And accommodating.
But what you say is interesting. I can see how little yappy dogs could be very good security. They're just not very good conversationalists. I'll have to contact my close associate Nikki the Miniature Dachshund for some contacts. I'd ask her, but she's 14. A spry 14, but still, she does get confused sometimes. I thank you for your wish of sausages. I am a fan of those, too.

I want to remind everyone that the South Carolina primary is coming up, and no-one from South Carolina has visited. To my knowledge, anyway. Remember to write in "Poochles Is My President!" on the ballots there!

May your hams be low in nitrite contents!

Sebastian K. Poochles.

I'm Back, Sirs.

Hello there, sirs and lady-sirs. How are you?

Me? I'm doing better than ever. I just woke up from an extended nap. You see, I was talking to Mister Sir sometime ago. He told me presidential candidates can never rest. I thought that was terrible. I decided to do some hibernating, so I could save up my energy and be a rip-roaring Campaigning Machine.

But it turned out Mister Sir was kind of slack. Each time he tried to wake me up, I growled. And that made him run away like a big pansy. Just because I took a big hunk out his face on two separate instances, I suppose.
So maybe that's understandable. But that's why I missed out on the Iowa and New Hampshire caucuses. Cauci? Caucoi? Caucophim?

Oh. It is Caucuses. That's kind of boring. Maybe it should be Caucux? No? Well fine.

So now I'm back. And it's about time.

[Mister Sir says that that was Doctor Who, a decade ago.]

So now I'm back. And it's about ham.

[Mister Sir now says I should focus on my goals.]

So now I'm back. And it's about you.

Yes, you, and how much better your life will be with me as your president. Now, in the past few months, we've gotten lots of questions from all over the world. We'll be addressing those tomorrow and over the next few days. Feel free, of course, to send in any questions you might have. and we'll try to answer them.

May your Hams Be Festively Plump!

--Sebastian K. Poochles